Scaramouche: An Abridged Romance of the French Revolution
by Marika Jones
Summary: Essentially an abridged version of the book, with a very short chapter for each corresponding chapter in the book. Writing it as I read, so it'll be a while before it's done. T for language and maybe (not subtly) implied things.
1. Ch1- The Republican

**Chapter 1: This One Guy's Totally-Not-Gay Friend**

So there was was this guy in LA FRANCE. He was ugly as fuck, but he had neato eyes. Like Phantom in the book. (That seems to be a thing in France) Anyway, he was living with his 'godfather' who was really the baby daddy with some unnamed woman who was presumably a harlot. So this guy, named André-Louis, basically thought the world was a crazy fucked up place and you should just roll with it.

That is, until his friend came over and proceeded to fuck everything up.

His friend, a delicate totally-not-gay priesty guy by the name of Phillipe, was completely pissed off and wanted to make a change in the world.

So Phillipe was all like "VIVE LA REVOLUTION!"

And André was like "Um... You know revolution will just result in the same old shit, right?"

"VIIIIIVE LAAAA REVVVOOOOO-"

"Jesus Christ, okay! Whatever!"

"...Vive la revolution. Anyway, so there's this douchebag who killed a guy who was trying to steal something to feed his family. I'm going to go pick a fight with him, even though he is immensely powerful and above the law."

And Andre was like "...That sound like a reaaaally bad idea. Besides, I love you in a totally-not-gay way. I mean, I really love you. Really."

"I love you too bro, but I'm totally doing it. Wish me luck."

To this André could really do nothing except pray that his 'friend' wouldn't be brutally murdered.

* * *

_You'll have to excuse my dreadfulness. I'm just starting out, you see, and although I am not really accustomed to writing abridged versions of anything, I figured I'd give it a try._ _Also, I had to have something to do to help get me through this book. It's actually quite good, but I was cursed with the attention span of a gnat on cocaine._


	2. Ch2- The Aristocrat

**Chapter 2: Sir Douchington**

So André was walking his friend to the place where Monsieur Doucheyface was visiting his father when suddenly his bitchy cousin appeared before him.

So his cousin, thus introduced, is all like "OMFG THIS ONE GUY TOTES WANTS TO MARRY MEEEEEE!"

"...Who?"

"You know, that one really immensely powerful guy who's above the law! HE'S RICH AND PRETTY. I WANT HIM IN MY PANTS."

"You know he's a douchebag, right?"

"FUCK YOU, HE'S PRETTY."

André then sighed, told her she was being a bitch who in no way was living up to her potential, and watched her walk off. Left alone by both his friend (who'd had no interest in sticking around) and his cousin (who wanted to get hitched for teh moneyz) he reflected that life sucked harder than a back-alley prostitute.

* * *

_I think I shall try to update this daily, since the chapters are short and easy to write. Thank you._


	3. Ch3- The Eloquence of M De Vilmorin

**Chapter 3: His friend was good with words.**

So then André goes to his friend Phillipe and whines to him about his cousin being a notorious whore in the making.

And his friend doesn't give a fuck, because apparently he thinks women are nastay.

So then his friend is all like "Hey dude, so that douche invited me to his house."

"...That sounds like a trap."

"Oh, you're just paranoid."

And so they went!

And the douche was all like "Welcome, Mr. Priesty guy... I've been expecting you."

And his friend is all like "VIVE LA REVOLUTIONNNN!"

"Oh, a revolutionist are you...? YOUR MOM'S A WHORE!"

So then his friend slapped the douchebag. And the douchebag was all like "OHOHOHO! Slap me, will you?! WELL PREPARE TO TASTE MY SWORD! ...My metal one for killing things, that is... Otherwise it would be weird."

And the friend is like "Oh. Darn. Well, okay."


	4. Sincerest apologies

*Ahem*

Sincerest apologies to anybody who actually liked this (I find it a bit doubtful, as this was my first attempt) but I got really distracted with work and my copy of Les Miserables, which I'm in the process of trying to read. Add to that a couple tiny mistakes I made, and I'm pretty sure that I'm just going to entirely redo this abridged thing later. Not sure when. It is on my to-do list.

So I am very sorry for breaking that little promise I made about updates, I apparently wasn't really thinking things through at the time.

So feel free to call me an idiot and hate me and whatnot.

Again, sorry.


End file.
